Thinking About You
by OliviabensonSVU4
Summary: Alex is gone and Olivia finds herself missing the blonde. (sorry the summary sucks) Please RR! Pairing: AlexOlivia (not smut)


_Title: Thinking About You_

_Author: SVUWatcher14_

_Rating: PG _

_Pairing: Olivia/Alex (not smut... it's only PG)_

_Feedback: Yes, please. _

A/N: This is post-Loss. My first O/A story and my first story that isn't rated PG-13. Be nice! Pretty please with sugar on top?

Chapter 1

**Olivia's apartment, Manhattan **

**9:21 PM**

Olivia clutched a letter she had received in the mail that day from Alex, which she hadn't even read yet, in her left hand, creasing it. With her right thumb she ran a thumb over a picture taken from the Christmas party at the precinct, which she had framed and had it on her dresser. It was the last memory of Alex she had that was tangible.

Setting the picture down gently in its spot on the center of the dresser, Olivia opened the letter that was now creased in all directions and read it slowly, trying to create an image in her head of Alex writing the letter.

_Dear Olivia,_

_Hey sweetie. I'm sorry it so long to get this letter written. There was... is so much I want to say to you but couldn't. You know as well as I do, after the trial I "died" and only you, Elliot, Munch, Fin, Cragen and the FBI know that I am alive. I've looked around the barren room they have me in over and over wishing I had a picture of us to look at. You're face is in all my memories that I hold dear even if I can't see your face. I don't even know where I am besides it is cold as hell (as if Hell is really cold but hey I wouldn't know!) and that I miss you terribly._

_Liv, my Liv, there is so much I want to tell you, if only we could meet. But that will never happen so all I can do is write it and send it. You don't know how much convincing and conniving it took me to even write you! But, of course it was worth every second._

_First, I love you. _

A tear rolled down Olivia's check and for once she didn't do anything to stop it. She sniffled and continued reading.

_Remember at the Christmas party at the precinct?_

"How can I ever forget?" Liv whispered to herself.

_The time when we walked outside to get fresh air? It was exactly 8:21 PM and the first time I wanted to take you into my arms and kiss you. _

"Oh my god, Oh my god," Olivia exclaimed letting a tear hit the side of the letter, written in ADA Alex Cabot's meticulous handwriting. Even though, she wasn't Alex anymore, it still brought back the memories.

_Now, thinking back, I wish I did. There is more I want to say but I have to stop writing now. The agents, who transported me, are telling me to wrap it up. When I see you, remind me to continue. I don't know if I will be write again. I can only hope._

_All my love, always,_

_Alex (a.k.a. Belinda) _

"I'll always remember" she said slowly but couldn't help giggling at the name Belinda. What a strange name for such an extraordinary person as Alex. She took the letter in both hands, and smoothed it out on the dresser next to the picture before using both hands and holding the letter to her chest.

A fragrance of Alex lingered on the page. The smell of roses, fragrant and beautiful, on a rainy day. Alex loved the rain. 'I wonder if Belinda does too' Olivia wondered.

Olivia remembered her Christmas gift to the blonde. A bottle of rose scented perfume. After Alex was whisked away, Olivia had gotten a bottle of the exact same perfume to remind her of her loss.

This was getting depressing so the brunette walked to the other room and turned the TV on, without dropping her letter and wondering how the letter smelled like wet roses if the woman who wrote it, whatever her name was, was in some unknown location, supposedly dead.

It didn't make sense but did it ever? The world played in slow motion. There was no one there. Suddenly, it dawned on the detective that she loved Alex. All the moments of exchanging friendly 'hello's' at first and soon after going out to drinks and being good friends and of course the Christmas party flashed in her head.

Alex taking her glasses off and Alex smiling at all Olivia's corny jokes. It was too much to bear without crying. A ringing jerked her out of the trance like state. She picked up the remote off the sofa and turned the TV off, wiped the tears away, but not the memories, never the memories and went to answer her cell phone, carelessly tossed on the coffee table

"Benson"

"Olivia? It's Elliot. Are you okay?"

"El, what's up? Is there another case because I can be at the precinct in 20 minutes..."

"No. Actually I, uh, had a hunch that you may need someone to talk to right about now."

"Elliot, it's been exactly 8 days, 3 hours and 27 minutes since Alex was taken away. And now you ask if I need to talk?"

He sensed the hostility in her voice but before he could speak she continued.

"Now? After crying myself to sleep at the thought of losing a friend? Well, I got a letter you know. She said...she said she loves me."

"Oh god," Elliot whispered.

"Yeah." Olivia sniffled.

"Do you want to..."

"Talk about it? I don't know."

Elliot knew what he had to do. "I'll be there in 30 minutes, max. Hang in there."

"You don't need to..." Olivia started but was cut off by the dial tone.

"Shit," she muttered before heading into the kitchen and cleaning up the dishes and putting a pot of water on the stove.

**Stabler House, Queens**

**Downstairs**

**9:39 PM**

Kathy came up behind Elliot and put her arms around his waist, putting her head on his right shoulder.

"Work again?" she asked quietly.

Elliot opened his mouth to speak but only sighed before answering, "Not exactly."

She dropped her arms and moved to face him. "Olivia?"

"Kath, she's my partner. She's having a rough time right now and she needs me."

"So you're gonna go there and rock her in your arms and tell her its all going to be ok?"

"Kathy," Elliot said in a warning tone. "That's not it and you know it."

She sighed but said surprisingly nicely, "Ok, Elliot, go. She needs you. Go be there for her. See you later?"

"Uh, yeah." Elliot kissed his wife on the lips, grabbing his coat, and going out the front door.

Elliot made the 25 minute drive pass in an easy 17 minutes and he squealed to a stop in front of Olivia's building. He got out and locked the door and ran up the steps to the main door.

Olivia looked down from her window and saw Elliot. Before he could buzz she opened the door and disappeared from the window. Elliot looked up at her window quickly, seeing it now empty and jogged across the lobby to the elevators.

In this building the elevators didn't come if you wanted them to so El was forced to run the 3 flights of stairs and down the hall. Without having to knock the door opened and a tear faced Olivia stood in the door. Her moment of weakness.

He extended an arm to her and she took it letting him wrap his strong arms around her and cried into his shoulder. Her legs went weak and she found herself on her sofa, wrapped in a blanket. Elliot stood in her kitchen and stirred 2 cups of tea. Olivia had put the water in the kettle but never turned the stove on. Carefully, he carried the cups to the sofa and handed one to Liv.

"Thanks," she said sipping the side slowly.

"No problem."

"El, I miss her. I can't believe she's gone."

Blue eyes met brown and tea cups were set down and she was in his arms again. Time passed, Olivia didn't know how long exactly but woke up in the morning on the sofa still, wrapped up in a blanket. In the kitchen the dishes were washed. It was then she realized it was a Saturday but was at home not working. Not sleeping in the crib but in her own apartment. Olivia smiled.

Days passed and Olivia went to work after a few days. Elliot had called the captain and briefly explained his partner's breakdown and arranged her to have a few days off.

Her first day back she was doing paperwork, the stack seemed to grow but she had nothing else to do.

Deep in thought, she didn't see the door to the squadroom open and 3 men in matching striped shirts and black pants enter with roses.

Someone pointed the men towards Liv.

"Detective Benson?" one asked.

Without looking up she nodded.

"Delivery for a Detective Olivia Benson," the second said.

This got her attention and she saw 3 bouquets of red roses in the arms of the men.

She slid her chair back and reached for the card in the first bouquet.

"3 dozen red roses," the first one said.

She took the second card, "to remind you of me,"

And the third finished, "where ever life may take us."

No signature, too risky, but she knew who it was from. Elliot knew, Cragen knew, and Munch and Fin. The rest knew Olivia doesn't date and it was a mystery that they wouldn't find out about most likely but the "ice queen" as Olivia was sometimes known as, was happy. And that was all that mattered.

She smiled for the first time in days and set the 3 vases on her desk. What no one else knew was that the each rose smelled like rain. A picture of Alex flashed through Olivia's mind again and she smiled. Everything was going to ok, for now. Till they met again, this was perfect.

A/N: What did you think? Good? Bad? Ugly? Sequel? Please review!


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